his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
