I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
