my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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