Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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