I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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