OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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