i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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