Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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