So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
that's an acceptable place to lick
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize