I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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