i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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