the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
