so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize