So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My dad is sitting where you rode me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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