judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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