i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
