Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
