In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
