I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
