thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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