Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
