She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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