dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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