i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Watching her eat just hurts me
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
