It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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