I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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