Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
