where am i from again
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
