I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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