no, he came in my armpit
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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