my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
