You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
