I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
