If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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