So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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