I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
