I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
