hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
