So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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