ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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