I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize