theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
