if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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