He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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