My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
