SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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