I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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