don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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