Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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