so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
