I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
