They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
