you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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