When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
