Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
