just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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