who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
