i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Randomize
