Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
