just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
